How To Set Boundaries As A New Parent
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit you set on how others interact with you. It is a way to honor yourself while maintaining clear cut lines as to what you will tolerate and allow in your space. There are many types of boundaries you can set for yourself as a new parent. They can be:Physical Boundaries - “You’re more than welcome to hold my baby but please refrain from kissing them on the cheek.”
Emotional Boundaries - “I empathize with what you are going through. However, I do not have the emotional capacity to give this any energy.”
Sexual Boundaries - “Right now I don’t have the stamina for sex. Why don’t we hold each other instead.”
Time Boundaries - “I know you’re excited to see the baby but please call before stopping by. I don’t feel comfortable when you show up unannounced.”
Being a new parent, it can be hard to set boundaries with well-meaning family and friends. Imagine, everyone stopping by to check in on you, grandparents wanting to hold the baby, and friends talking up a storm when all you want to do is rest. How does one go about speaking up and setting boundaries? Read below for some tips from my own experience.Ways To Set And Maintain Boundaries
● Get clear on the issue by doing some self-reflection
You may not know what your boundaries are until they have been crossed. When that happens, take a moment to pause and ask yourself why you are uncomfortable. What was it about that interaction that made you feel uneasy. Journal your thoughts and get clear on how you truly feel.
● Speak your truth with compassion
Once you have clarity on the issue, now it’s time to speak up. Take a few deep breaths. It’s not always easy to speak your truth so give yourself some grace. Try writing down what you will say and practice your speech in the mirror. Know that you have the right to assert yourself.
● Set boundaries early so there is no confusion
Waiting for things to settle might not always be a great option. While you are ruminating on the matter in question, the offender is going on about their day. Speak up as soon as you feel uncomfortable so there is no misunderstanding in the future.
Benefits Of Setting Boundaries
● Builds self-confidence
Once you are able to stand up for yourself and speak your truth, it can be such a liberating feeling. I grew up in a household where boundaries did not exist. Being the youngest of six didn’t help either. When I was able to set my first boundary, it was a way for me to put my needs first and practice self-care.
● It becomes easier to set boundaries in the future
I know it may seem like such a daunting task and it is okay to be nervous. However, once you get past the first conversation, it does get easier. Even if your voice trembles and tears flow down your cheeks, trust that you are making the best decision for yourself.
● It conserves your energy
It takes so much energy to constantly mull over the discomfort others bring you. No need to replay the conversation or conjure up scenarios that bring you down. Conserve your vibrancy for those who honor and respect your time.
What If Someone Continues To Cross The Line?
● Firmly communicate your needs
If it is safe to do so, reiterate your needs firmly. Let them know how you are feeling and why it brings you discomfort. Explain to them that you will no longer tolerate such behavior and you will need them to evaluate their way of interacting with you.
● Seek professional help
It can be burdensome when the other person continues to cross the line. If you think it is worth it, seeking professional help such as a therapist, counselor, or spiritual advisor might be the way to go. Find someone who is trustworthy and can help you neutralize the situation.
● Remove person from your space
If all else fails, it might be time to remove this person or remove yourself from the space. Know that you have a right to personal safety. You cannot control other people but you can control how you show up for yourself. Not everyone deserves to share your energy.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or choice.” - Brene Brown
Resources for postpartum wellness and safety
● Mental health (postpartum.net, 1.800.944.4773)
● Domestic violence (thehotline.org, 1.800.787.3224)
